Nation's Legislators Discover One Thing They Can All Agree On: Naming Buildings After Each Other

By Reginald Fothergill-Smythe | Officially Absurd

Washington, D.C. — Amid the partisan gridlock, procedural warfare, and general theatrical dysfunction that has come to define modern American governance, political scientists have finally identified a rare and luminous consensus: the United States Congress, it turns out, is absolutely brilliant at naming post offices.

For the eighth year running, the most reliably completed category of federal legislation has been the ceremonial designation of postal facilities after local heroes, deceased politicians, and, in at least three documented cases, living congressmen who apparently could not wait.

A Triumph of Bipartisan Governance

According to records reviewed by this publication — and by "reviewed," we mean someone on the internet compiled them into a spreadsheet and we stared at it for longer than was healthy — Congress passed 47 post office naming bills in the most recent legislative session, compared to 11 infrastructure appropriations that cleared both chambers in their original form.

Senator Brock Delancey (R-TX), a vocal critic of government overreach, defended the practice with the conviction of a man who has recently been told a post office might be named after him.

"The American people want results," Senator Delancey told reporters outside the Capitol. "They want to know their government is functional, that it can get things done. When a constituent in Beaumont drives past the Sergeant Harold Tibbs Memorial United States Post Office, they feel that. That's tangible. That's governance."

Asked whether Sergeant Tibbs might have preferred a functional highway, the Senator indicated the press conference was over.

Representative Donna Eckhart (D-WI), who has co-sponsored fourteen post office dedications across three terms, was equally enthusiastic. "This is what bipartisanship looks like," she said. "Two parties, one shared vision: that the sorting facility on Route 9 in Waukesha deserves a better name than 'the sorting facility on Route 9 in Waukesha.'"

The Numbers, Presented Without Comment (But With Comment)

Officially Absurd has obtained what we are calling a chart, though it is technically a graph drawn in a Google Doc by our unpaid intern, Gerald. It shows the following relationship over the past eight years:

• Post office renamings: Up 340%
• Infrastructure projects completed on schedule: Down 61%
• Bridges rated "structurally deficient" by federal inspectors: Holding steady at a breezy 42,000
• Number of post offices named after people named Gerald: Fourteen, which Gerald finds meaningful

The inverse correlation is, experts agree, either deeply revealing or entirely coincidental. The experts themselves could not agree on which, but they did publish a 200-page report about it, which this publication summarizes as: "Hm."

A Listicle of Recent Dedications, Because Democracy Demands It

For context, here is a partial list of post offices renamed in the most recent congressional session, presented in the spirit of public service journalism:

1. The Congressman Terrence P. Huffington Sr. Post Office, Huffington Falls, OH — Named after the congressman who introduced the bill naming it after himself. The congressman represents Huffington Falls. His grandfather founded Huffington Falls. He has noted this in every press release since 2019.

2. The Brigadier General Mavis Coolidge Post Office, Dry Gulch, NM — Named after a woman who, by all accounts, was genuinely heroic and deserving of recognition. The post office processes approximately eleven parcels per week.

3. The Post Office Formerly Known as the Westhaven Annex, Westhaven, KY — Renamed the "American Spirit and Freedom Postal Hub" following a floor amendment added at 11:47 PM on a Tuesday. No one is sure who added it.

4. The Ronald T. Blankenship Memorial Postal Facility, Greater Blankenship, IN — Dedicated to a man whose primary legislative legacy was, per the Congressional Record, "consistent attendance and several well-regarded casseroles at the district potluck."

5. The Post Office at 4401 Commerce Drive, Tucson, AZ — Still unnamed, pending a dispute over whether the dedication should honor a Korean War veteran or a local high school football coach. The bill has been in committee for six years. The post office itself closed in 2021.

What The Experts Are Saying (In Exchange For Grant Funding)

Dr. Pamela Westbrook of the Institute for Legislative Productivity Studies — a think tank that, full disclosure, has itself been named after a senator — suggests the phenomenon reflects something deeper about the nature of American political incentives.

"Renaming a post office takes one afternoon, generates a ribbon-cutting photo, and produces zero enemies," Dr. Westbrook explained from her office, which is named after a congressman. "Infrastructure, by contrast, takes years, costs billions, inconveniences commuters, goes over budget, and ends careers. From a purely rational standpoint, the post office is an extremely good deal."

She added that her institute's forthcoming report, Nomenclature as Governance: A Framework for Understanding Symbolic Legislative Output in the Post-Policy Era, would be available for $89 on Amazon, or free to anyone with a university login and forty-five minutes to kill.

A Note on Next Thursday

This publication is pleased to inform readers that the Gerald R. Ford Post Office in Accounting, Ohio — not to be confused with the Gerald R. Ford Post Office in Ada, Akron, Alliance, Ashland, Ashtabula, or Athens, Ohio, all of which exist — will be formally rededicated next Thursday in a ceremony open to the public.

Light refreshments will be served. Congressman Huffington is expected to attend, though in what capacity remains unclear. The road leading to the post office has a pothole that has been reported to the county fourteen times since 2018. It will not be repaired before Thursday.

Congress, for its part, is expected to pass three more naming bills before the recess, including one designating a postal annex in Flagstaff after a man who once shook hands with Dwight Eisenhower at a state fair.

The bridge on I-74 outside Peoria will continue to be described as "monitored."