Serious Reporting on Unserious People
Washington's finest legislative minds have pooled their collective talent to crack the most enduring puzzle in American governance: why nothing ever gets done when everyone agrees it should. Their first meeting lasted four hours and produced seventeen scheduled follow-up meetings and one unresolved argument about a vowel.
Sep 15, 2026
A senior administration official has unveiled what colleagues are calling a groundbreaking approach to crisis management: systematically avoiding all information about the crises he is managing. A newly released think tank study suggests the method may represent the future of effective governance, pending further research that nobody involved plans to read.
Sep 15, 2026
The United States Senate has announced its highest committee attendance rates in over two decades, a milestone officials are celebrating with considerable enthusiasm and only minor acknowledgment that the senators in question spent the meetings shopping online, playing mobile games, and in one documented case, watching a documentary about competitive cheese-rolling. Experts say the achievement represents a new frontier in the ancient Washington art of being technically present.
Sep 15, 2026
The newly established Center for Independent Policy Research on Independent Policy Research has released a landmark 400-page study concluding that America's most urgent unmet need is a significant expansion of independent research institutions. The report, which took three years and $4.2 million to produce, has been enthusiastically endorsed by every think tank in Washington, each of which describes it as 'the most important piece of research we have ever not read.' Experts say the findings are
Aug 02, 2026
Congress has unveiled a sweeping bipartisan initiative to reduce partisan dysfunction, which experts describe as the most partisan thing Congress has done in recent memory. The plan, celebrated by leadership on both sides, involves creating seventeen new committees whose founding charters legally prohibit members from occupying the same room. Sources close to the effort confirm that nobody has noticed the irony.
Aug 02, 2026
The Federal Trade Commission's newly proposed artificial intelligence oversight framework has been quietly celebrated inside the agency after regulators realized the rules, as written, legally mandate that AI systems must demonstrate the same response times, evasiveness, and circular helpfulness as a federal agency's customer support portal. Silicon Valley executives have described the draft rules as 'a cry for help.' The FTC has described them as 'finalized, pending amendment, subject to review
Aug 02, 2026
The United States Senate has responded to growing concerns about commission ineffectiveness by forming a new commission, widely praised as the boldest use of catering budgets in recent legislative memory. The Blue-Ribbon Commission on Blue-Ribbon Commission Outcomes held its inaugural luncheon Tuesday, where members unanimously agreed that the problem was serious, the stakes were high, and the salmon was slightly overdone.
Jun 25, 2026
A prestigious bipartisan think tank has released its most significant finding to date: that while the problems facing America are real, urgent, and well-documented, the current political environment makes meaningful action technically inadvisable at this time. The group, whose combined net worth exceeds the GDP of several mid-sized nations, stressed that this conclusion was reached after exhaustive deliberation and should not be confused with doing nothing, which is a completely different thing.
Jun 25, 2026
The federal government announced a sweeping artificial intelligence modernization initiative Wednesday, promising to revolutionize public services through cutting-edge technology while neglecting to mention that the systems being modernized run on database architecture whose original developer filed for bankruptcy during the second Bush administration. Officials described the initiative as transformational, forward-looking, and fully compatible with the government's existing infrastructure, whic
Jun 25, 2026
Bradford Haines III doesn't lobby. He 'facilitates civic dialogue' from a corner office overlooking the Capitol. A day in the life of Washington's most powerful man who would very much like you to know he is just a regular person.
Jun 25, 2026
Facing mounting public pressure over the thing that everyone is currently furious about, the White House has announced a bold, multi-pronged response consisting of a task force, a listening tour, and a 'framework for future conversations.' Experts confirm it is performing exceptionally well with focus groups, largely because it doesn't do anything.
Jun 25, 2026
After 34 years in the United States Senate, Senator Robert 'Bob' Calloway of the great state of wherever he's from is hanging up his constituent-ignoring hat. Colleagues gathered to celebrate a career so distinguished that almost none of them could describe it.
Jun 25, 2026
The administration launched its flagship Public Trust Restoration Initiative with a Rose Garden ceremony, a branded website, and a solemn promise to earn back the confidence of the American people. The initiative has since been paused pending resolution of an interagency dispute over what the word 'trust' means, which has now been under formal investigation for two years and $900,000. Restoring it, officials say, remains the top priority.
Jun 25, 2026
The Senate Intelligence Committee has released what officials are calling 'the most forthcoming document in congressional history' — a 47-page report on government transparency in which every letter, number, punctuation mark, and page number has been redacted for national security reasons. Committee members expressed pride at the achievement. The public expressed other things.
Jun 25, 2026
Congress passed the Legislative Simplification and Accessibility Act with rare bipartisan fanfare, promising that everyday Americans would finally be able to understand the laws governing their lives. The accompanying plain-English summary is 1,200 pages long, references 340 defined terms, and contains a seventeen-page glossary explaining the glossary. Experts say the process is basically working.
Jun 25, 2026
The State Department has unveiled a flagship diplomatic modernization program centered on sending strongly worded emails to foreign governments, several of which lack reliable electricity. Of the first batch of outreach messages, fourteen bounced, two received out-of-office replies, and one nation formally requested removal from the mailing list.
Jun 25, 2026
A Senate subcommittee convened three years ago to review $1.5 trillion in farm legislation has instead produced a landmark 94-page report on what legally constitutes a sandwich. The farm bill expired quietly in September. The sandwich question has been referred to a new subcommittee.
Jun 25, 2026
The American Children's Future Opportunity and Patriot Investment Renewal Act passed both chambers unanimously and reached the President's desk in eleven days — faster than any legislation in recorded congressional history. A subsection on page 847 leases a national park to a Luxembourg-based minerals company for ninety-nine years. No member of Congress has read page 847.
Jun 25, 2026
Congress unveils ambitious bipartisan initiative to examine why cross-party cooperation consistently collapses. The effort promptly disintegrates into bitter partisan warfare over the precise meaning of 'bipartisan.'
Jun 13, 2026
First-term Representative accidentally reviews his own financial disclosures, triggering existential crisis no congressional orientation anticipated. Ethics offices scramble to determine whose job it is to handle someone who actually read the fine print.
Jun 13, 2026