Serious Reporting on Unserious People
Freshman congressman discovers Washington's best-kept secret: legislators accomplish more while technically absent than during official working days. Scheduling experts suggest optimal legislative calendar could be reduced to single long weekend.
Jun 04, 2026
A congressional investigation reveals America has officially designated 437 awareness days, weeks, and months for a 365-day calendar year. The Federal Calendar Oversight Committee has been tasked with determining how to fit 72 extra days of mandatory recognition into existing time constraints.
Apr 17, 2026
After three years of development, multiple vendor changes, and extensive user experience research, the Department of Citizen Services unveils its revolutionary digital portal. The primary achievement: relocating a 2007 PDF document containing all useful information from the second page to the third page of search results.
Apr 17, 2026
Following focus group data revealing that 73% of voters suspect senators might be an entirely different species, the Congressional Relatability Caucus unveils a $2.8 million campaign to prove they experience normal human emotions. The tour kicks off with a $400-per-plate dinner to discuss the struggles of ordinary families.
Apr 17, 2026
The Pentagon has unveiled its most ambitious strategic modernization initiative yet: a comprehensive overhaul of the comprehensive overhaul they announced last year. Military leaders describe the new framework as 'completely different' from previous frameworks, though they acknowledge it bears a striking resemblance to the framework from 2019.
Apr 15, 2026
After three years and $4.7 million in taxpayer funding, the National Commission on Political Unity has produced a groundbreaking report that all members enthusiastically agree is completely wrong. The commission's final meeting devolved into a heated argument over whether they should shake hands or fist bump for the closing photo.
Apr 15, 2026
State governors across the nation have issued emergency declarations regarding the unprecedented frequency of emergency declarations. FEMA confirms they've had to expand their emergency classification system to include 'meta-emergencies' and 'emergency-adjacent situations.'
Apr 15, 2026
Washington's most powerful lobbyists gathered at the luxurious Mayflower Hotel for their annual 'Democracy First' gala, where they spent $2,000 per plate discussing how ordinary citizens have gained far too much influence over elected officials. The evening's highlight was awarding the 'Authentic Voice Award' to someone who hasn't used their real name professionally in eight years.
Apr 03, 2026
The Department of Defense has announced an ambitious $8 million initiative to investigate the mysterious disappearance of its previous $6 million investigations. Officials remain optimistic that this new study will finally locate all the other studies that have vanished without a trace.
Apr 03, 2026
The White House unveiled its transformative $2.3 trillion infrastructure initiative Tuesday, featuring an impressive collection of bridges completed during the Reagan administration and two brand-new roundabouts. Officials praised the plan's 'historic forward momentum' while carefully avoiding questions about which century the accompanying photos were taken in.
Apr 03, 2026
In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, Congress has passed a resolution affirming that terrible things are, indeed, terrible. The 437-0 vote marks the first time in recent memory that lawmakers have agreed on anything, albeit something no reasonable person could possibly disagree with.
Apr 02, 2026
Strategic Solutions Alliance, Washington's most successful "civic engagement consultancy," has released its annual transparency report demonstrating conclusively that it has never influenced anyone about anything. The glossy publication features forty-seven mentions of the word 'solutions' and zero mentions of the word 'lobbying.'
Apr 02, 2026
The Pentagon has unveiled its most ambitious strategic document yet: a comprehensive guide to understanding all the previous comprehensive guides. Officials confirm this marks the 47th 'paradigm shift' since 1987, each one more transformational than the last.
Apr 02, 2026
The State Department has deployed 23 officials to Geneva for an international conference on reducing bureaucratic bloat, breaking the previous record for delegation size. The team includes specialists in delegation optimization, efficiency consultants, and someone whose job is to coordinate the coordinators.
Mar 29, 2026
In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, Congress has successfully renamed a federal building while remaining completely gridlocked on healthcare, infrastructure, and basic governance. The achievement represents the most productive legislative session in recent memory, according to lawmakers who voted for it.
Mar 29, 2026
The White House's groundbreaking transparency initiative has successfully classified its own existence, with officials praising the move as a triumph of openness. The announcement itself required security clearance to read, leading experts to declare it the most transparent thing they've never seen.
Mar 29, 2026
The Department of Homeland Security unveiled its groundbreaking 47-point security initiative this week, complete with updated threat assessments and modernized terminology. Officials stress this comprehensive plan is entirely different from previous efforts, despite junior staffers quietly confirming it's the same document with 'cyber' added to most nouns.
Mar 21, 2026
The newly formed Office of Government Reduction has submitted an emergency budget request for 200 additional employees, explaining that achieving permanent governmental smallness requires temporary but essential largeness. A $800,000 consulting report confirms the office is definitely on the right track.
Mar 21, 2026
The Transparency in Government Act sailed through Congress this week to overwhelming bipartisan support, with industry representatives expressing pleasant surprise at how reasonable the legislation turned out to be. Pure coincidence that it mirrors talking points from a certain K Street lunch meeting, officials insist.
Mar 21, 2026
The Federal Advisory Committee on Public Engagement has postponed its inaugural public hearing indefinitely after discovering that actual members of the public wanted to participate. Officials expressed bewilderment at the 'unprecedented' level of citizen interest in being heard by a committee specifically created to hear them.
Mar 19, 2026