Serious Reporting on Unserious People
The Department of Veterans Affairs announced a groundbreaking 40% reduction in appointment backlogs through the innovative creation of a 'Pre-Scheduling Assessment Queue' that veterans must complete before joining the original waiting list. Officials celebrate this as a triumph of creative problem-solving.
Mar 19, 2026
The Senate Subcommittee on Government Waste has completed a comprehensive headquarters renovation featuring hand-carved motivational messages and a dedicated smoothie station. Officials insist the expenditure represents a strategic investment in fiscal responsibility.
Mar 18, 2026
The Office of Straightforward Communications has unveiled its latest 847-page guidebook designed to help Americans understand last year's 823-page guidebook, which was itself created to clarify an earlier 756-page document about making things clearer. Officials describe the new publication as 'refreshingly digestible' for anyone with a graduate degree in bureaucratic interpretation.
Mar 18, 2026
Senator's corruption investigation concludes with unanimous exoneration following what committee members describe as 'textbook ethical oversight.' The three newest committee appointees particularly praised the thoroughness of their own work.
Mar 18, 2026
The Pentagon has assembled a distinguished committee to solve the mystery of three missing efficiency reports, each costing taxpayers millions. Officials remain confident they'll locate the studies once they figure out where they put the committee's charter documents.
Mar 18, 2026
The Pentagon's newest cybersecurity division has successfully spent its entire annual budget on logo design and commemorative merchandise while maintaining an unprecedented 100% success rate at being unhackable due to having no systems to hack. Officials praise the innovative 'security through absence' approach.
Mar 18, 2026
After 18 months of careful deliberation, the Pentagon's Internal Efficiency Review Assessment Board has concluded that their evaluation of a previous efficiency review requires further evaluation. The decision has prompted the formation of three additional sub-committees and a catering budget that rivals the annual defense spending of Luxembourg.
Mar 17, 2026
The House Committee on Legislative Efficiency has unveiled groundbreaking legislation designed to make it faster and easier for lawmakers to propose measures that will die in committee. The bill itself has already been referred to three subcommittees, none of which have met since the Obama administration.
Mar 17, 2026
The House Subcommittee on Governmental Oversight has allocated $2.8 million to examine why its previous $3.2 million investigation into government waste was completely ignored. The new study will reportedly determine optimal font sizes for ensuring future reports remain equally unread.
Mar 17, 2026
The Senate Subcommittee on Streamlining Government Operations, established during the Reagan era to combat bureaucratic bloat, has commissioned a $400,000 independent assessment to determine whether it serves any meaningful function. The review cost exceeds the panel's entire annual budget by 43%.
Mar 16, 2026
What began as a noble 2019 effort to streamline government efficiency has evolved into a self-replicating administrative organism that now requires its own organizational chart and GPS system to navigate. The Senate Committee on Committee Reduction has somehow birthed eleven offspring, each with distinct catering preferences and acronym requirements.
Mar 16, 2026
A coalition of fourteen think tanks has published a landmark 600-page report concluding that the United States is, by most measurable indicators, quite politically divided. The study, which took three years and $4.2 million in grant funding to produce, features a color-coded chart that one researcher described as 'essentially a picture of red and blue with a thin grey strip nobody agrees on.'
Mar 13, 2026
Rep. Gerald Stanhope (R-TX-14) has introduced the Future of American Mobility and Mobility-Adjacent Infrastructure Act following what his office describes as a 'transformative' eleven-minute Amtrak journey between Union Station and New Carrollton, Maryland, taken primarily for a photograph. The bill, which technically mentions buses, allocates the majority of its proposed funding toward a feasibility study to determine whether a further feasibility study is warranted.
Mar 13, 2026
The Office of Procedural Management and Procedural Management Oversight has unveiled a landmark 47-step process for requesting the preliminary form that identifies which primary form a citizen should request. Officials describe it as the most significant reduction in bureaucratic friction since the Clinton administration accidentally deleted a spreadsheet.
Mar 13, 2026
The House of Representatives has passed a landmark resolution affirming that one or more unspecified problems facing the American people warrant some form of attention at some future point. The vote was unanimous. Three think tanks have already published reports about it.
Mar 13, 2026
The White House has named a Senior Coordinator for Artificial Intelligence Governance Engagement and Stakeholder Ecosystem Dialogue — a newly created role with no staff, no budget, and no defined powers. The official's first 90 days will be spent attending seventeen panels, four summits, and a keynote address at a Las Vegas expo sponsored by the companies he is nominally overseeing. The executive order creating the position expires before Christmas.
Mar 13, 2026
The federal government has unveiled its landmark Form Acquisition Pre-Pathway Initiative, a streamlined 47-step procedure for obtaining the form that tells you which form you actually need. Officials describe it as a dramatic improvement over the previous system. The agency responsible for overseeing the simplification has requested a 14-month extension to finish simplifying it.
Mar 13, 2026
For the eighth consecutive year, the single most reliably completed legislative task in Washington has been the ceremonial renaming of post offices. Roads remain unpaved, bridges wobble ominously, and broadband internet is still considered a luxury in parts of rural America — but rest assured, the Gerald R. Ford Post Office in Accounting, Ohio, is getting a fresh plaque.
Mar 12, 2026
The Federal Commission on Bureaucratic Efficiency and Timely Governmental Output has spent 14 years studying why federal agencies can't get anything done. It has not yet gotten anything done. A budget of $4.3 million has since grown to $13.1 million, and the final report remains, in the agency's own preferred terminology, 'forthcoming.'
Mar 12, 2026
Before Reddit became the front page of the internet, there was Digg — a scrappy, user-powered news aggregator that somehow managed to blow up its own empire in spectacular fashion. This is the story of one of tech history's most glorious self-destructions, a David vs. Goliath battle where Goliath tripped over his own shoelaces and face-planted into irrelevance.
Mar 12, 2026