Serious Reporting on Unserious People
White House transparency initiative demands all government communications use simple, accessible language. The 94-page order announcing this requirement features seventeen annexes and a glossary that needs its own glossary.
Jun 13, 2026
Congressman Dale Morrison announced sweeping anti-lobbying legislation at Tuesday's $5,000-per-plate "Democracy Dinner," generously underwritten by pharmaceutical companies, defense contractors, and tech giants. The evening's program featured a silent auction for regulatory influence and complimentary gift bags containing pre-written legislation.
Jun 04, 2026
The White House's ambitious new Plain Talk Initiative promises to revolutionize government communication through enhanced stakeholder engagement protocols and multi-phase clarity optimization frameworks. The 340-page implementation guide requires a separate decoder ring to understand its commitment to simplicity.
Jun 04, 2026
In a historic breakthrough, the Senate Finance Committee has unveiled an ambitious initiative to read the federal budget before voting on it. The groundbreaking proposal comes just three months after passing this year's $6.8 trillion spending package, which committee members describe as having 'excellent font choices.'
Jun 04, 2026
Pentagon officials announce groundbreaking discovery that military setbacks become strategic victories through simple vocabulary adjustments. Early trials show 340% improvement in outcomes using metrics developed last Tuesday.
Jun 04, 2026
Freshman congressman discovers Washington's best-kept secret: legislators accomplish more while technically absent than during official working days. Scheduling experts suggest optimal legislative calendar could be reduced to single long weekend.
Jun 04, 2026
White House releases 400-page document explaining why government communication has never been clearer. Citizens attempting to claim $50 rebate discover they need doctoral degree in bureaucratic interpretation to understand application process.
Jun 04, 2026
After three years of development, multiple vendor changes, and extensive user experience research, the Department of Citizen Services unveils its revolutionary digital portal. The primary achievement: relocating a 2007 PDF document containing all useful information from the second page to the third page of search results.
Apr 17, 2026
A congressional investigation reveals America has officially designated 437 awareness days, weeks, and months for a 365-day calendar year. The Federal Calendar Oversight Committee has been tasked with determining how to fit 72 extra days of mandatory recognition into existing time constraints.
Apr 17, 2026
Following focus group data revealing that 73% of voters suspect senators might be an entirely different species, the Congressional Relatability Caucus unveils a $2.8 million campaign to prove they experience normal human emotions. The tour kicks off with a $400-per-plate dinner to discuss the struggles of ordinary families.
Apr 17, 2026
State governors across the nation have issued emergency declarations regarding the unprecedented frequency of emergency declarations. FEMA confirms they've had to expand their emergency classification system to include 'meta-emergencies' and 'emergency-adjacent situations.'
Apr 15, 2026
The Pentagon has unveiled its most ambitious strategic modernization initiative yet: a comprehensive overhaul of the comprehensive overhaul they announced last year. Military leaders describe the new framework as 'completely different' from previous frameworks, though they acknowledge it bears a striking resemblance to the framework from 2019.
Apr 15, 2026
After three years and $4.7 million in taxpayer funding, the National Commission on Political Unity has produced a groundbreaking report that all members enthusiastically agree is completely wrong. The commission's final meeting devolved into a heated argument over whether they should shake hands or fist bump for the closing photo.
Apr 15, 2026
Washington's most powerful lobbyists gathered at the luxurious Mayflower Hotel for their annual 'Democracy First' gala, where they spent $2,000 per plate discussing how ordinary citizens have gained far too much influence over elected officials. The evening's highlight was awarding the 'Authentic Voice Award' to someone who hasn't used their real name professionally in eight years.
Apr 03, 2026
The Department of Defense has announced an ambitious $8 million initiative to investigate the mysterious disappearance of its previous $6 million investigations. Officials remain optimistic that this new study will finally locate all the other studies that have vanished without a trace.
Apr 03, 2026
The White House unveiled its transformative $2.3 trillion infrastructure initiative Tuesday, featuring an impressive collection of bridges completed during the Reagan administration and two brand-new roundabouts. Officials praised the plan's 'historic forward momentum' while carefully avoiding questions about which century the accompanying photos were taken in.
Apr 03, 2026
Strategic Solutions Alliance, Washington's most successful "civic engagement consultancy," has released its annual transparency report demonstrating conclusively that it has never influenced anyone about anything. The glossy publication features forty-seven mentions of the word 'solutions' and zero mentions of the word 'lobbying.'
Apr 02, 2026
In a stunning display of bipartisan unity, Congress has passed a resolution affirming that terrible things are, indeed, terrible. The 437-0 vote marks the first time in recent memory that lawmakers have agreed on anything, albeit something no reasonable person could possibly disagree with.
Apr 02, 2026
The Pentagon has unveiled its most ambitious strategic document yet: a comprehensive guide to understanding all the previous comprehensive guides. Officials confirm this marks the 47th 'paradigm shift' since 1987, each one more transformational than the last.
Apr 02, 2026
The White House's groundbreaking transparency initiative has successfully classified its own existence, with officials praising the move as a triumph of openness. The announcement itself required security clearance to read, leading experts to declare it the most transparent thing they've never seen.
Mar 29, 2026